Why are they watching YouTube all day?

This is a pretty common question, not only among Unschoolers, but parents in general.  There are a lot of reasons our children watch YouTube or Twitch.  For something like watching other kids play with toys, unboxing, or game play ~ it’s often about better understanding the product. Sometimes that doesn’t directly translate to the same product in your home, but they still “file away” that information for later.

I kind of equate it to something like Pinterest. I may “pin” or save ideas or pictures.  Am I going to turn my under-the-stairs-closet into a home library/reading nook? Probably not. However it spurred ideas about creating a nesting spot elsewhere in my house. OR I love what someone did and I can appreciate the aesthetic while simultaneously acknowledging that I’m never going to spend $50K on a “she shed”.

Our kids have been regularly perusing YouTube for 10 years now. Especially when they were younger ~ I sat down with them. I’d ask them, “Why are you watching this?” Not in a judgy way, but to learn what *they* were getting out of it. “What do you think about this product?”  “Why do you like this reviewer?” Sometimes they were seeing something completely different than I was. We talk a lot about marketing, commercials, paid endorsements, etc. Both kids (15yo & 16yo at the time of this post) are actually fairly savvy consumers, thoroughly check ratings/reviews, shop the best deals, etc.

Also, even if a YouTuber or a product don’t interest me ~ I appreciate it for *their* interest. Sort of like how I watch Tennis or Football or Car Shows with my husband. Are those things that I’d prioritize to watch on my own? No. But I love him so I enjoy getting to know the things he loves better.

Now that they are older and I’m not always right by their side, it’s interesting to see the amazing things they discover merely browsing on YouTube.  Just the other day our son (16yo) brought up an art restorer he’s been following.  So we, along with his sister, spent an hour watching Baumgartner Restoration.

We had a lot of great conversations about art, history, colors, chemicals, and patience.  (Because WOW, does restoration require a lot of patience and meticulous detail work.)

Any time you don’t see the value in something that your children spend a lot of their time engaged in, I encourage you to find a way to truly observe what it brings to their life.

-Rachel

Meet Rachel & our other contributors here. 

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Texas Bubblers at TexUns2020

We’re excited to announced that Texas Bubblers will be a featured performer at the 2020 Texas Unschoolers Conference.

The Texas Bubblers love to make the world smile with something so simple as a bubble.  Bubbles do something good to the heart of every person who sees them. For the very young, they are in awe and it is pure enjoyment and excitement. For the young at heart, it is a moment of a sweet childhood memory, and many adults become child-like again and start playing with bubbles.

Join Texas Bubblers for Giant Magical Bubble Play.  Giant Bubbles created by Shelly & Bubba McBubbles using their wands that are between 4-10 feet long to create jellyfish bubbles, giant bubbles, monster bubbles, the crowd favorite the bubble cloud, and Texas “snow”.

Texas Bubblers on Facebook
Videos of Texas Bubblers 

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Receive Art Via Text from SFMOMA

Text 572-51 with the words “send me” followed by a keyword, a color, or even an emoji and you’ll receive a related artwork image and caption via text message from the SFMOMA San Francisco Museum of Modern Art

Image is of two pieces of art received when I texted, “send me Texas”.
Alec Soth, ‘Del Río, Texas’, 2011
Steven Holl, ‘Edge of a City: Spiroid Sectors, Dallas/Fort Worth, Texas’, 1991

More info can be found on SFMOMA’s website:
https://www.sfmoma.org/read/send-me-sfmoma/

Meet Rachel & our other contributors here. 

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Class Dismissed & Self-Taught are coming to TexUns2020

We’re thrilled to announce that we’ll be screening TWO documentaries about life outside of classrooms at the 2020 Texas Unschoolers Conference.

Class Dismissed: Frustrated with the traditional school system, a family in L.A. pulls their two kids out of school and takes their education into their own hands. Class Dismissed takes a fresh look at what it means to be educated in the 21st century and explores the rapidly growing movement of parents providing an education outside a classroom setting.
View Trailer for Class Dismissed
Class Dismissed Website

Self-Taught: Through the stories of six extraordinary individuals, Self-Taught explores what self-directed education means to them and the impact it has had on their lives, ambitions, work, and beliefs.
Whether Artist, Scientist, or Entrepreneur, they all have one thing in common: their belief that true education is the capacity to author your own life instead of merely accepting the one you’ve been handed.
View Trailer for Self-Taught
Self-Taught Website

Click here for more information or to register for the 2020 Texans Unschooling Conference.

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Top Fan Contest

Want to win a $50 credit toward the 2020 Texas Unschoolers Conference?  Join our Facebook Top Fan contest.

Become a Texas Unschoolers Top Fan by liking our page, liking posts, commenting on posts, and sharing our content.

At the end of the month, we’ll randomly select a top fan to win a gift certificate worth $50/off registration fees.

Rules:

  • Must be 18 years or older to win.
  • Gift certificate is only good toward conference registration fees for the 2020 Texas Unschoolers Conference.
  • Gift certificate can not be exchanged for cash.
  • Gift certificate can not be applied to future conferences
  • Gift certificate can not be used as payment to Jellystone in any way including, but not limited to: lodging, day pass, food, or activity fees.
  • By entering you acknowledge this promotion is in no way sponsored, endorsed, administered by or associated with Facebook.
  • By entering you consent to a complete release of Facebook for any responsibility in this promotion.
  • Winner will be announced no later than Tuesday, February 4th, 2020 at noon.


Please note:
While we want you to share content with your friends you know will enjoy it, tagging them in posts/comments/shares doesn’t increase your status as a top fan.  So only do it if you think they’ll truly be interested.

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Respecting Our Children’s Boundaries

Lately, here’s what pictures of our daughter’s activities have looked like:

When I took the next picture, I commented that she and the dog looked so cute together and asked if I could I post it.  She asked to see it and returned the “edited” version to me:

It’s understood by our family and friends that there will be seasons where they will not see pictures of one or both of our children on social media.  That’s because we have always asked our children if we can post their pictures.  I show them the pictures that I have taken and they have the opportunity to select their preferred pictures, if they approve any at all.  They also approve any conversations we post that they participated in (and they’ll both review and consent to the contents of this post). 

A conversation between our kids a few years ago (using their ages at the time):

11yo: Why don’t you want mom to post pictures of you to Facebook?

9yo: Because I said no.

11yo: I’m trying to understand *why* you said no.  It doesn’t matter, you can say no for any reason and people have to listen to that – I was just wondering why.

This made my heart so happy.  Not only that our children knew that their “no” will be respected, also that they don’t have to justify their “no” and that they aren’t entitled to demand others explain themselves.    Seeking their permission in posting to social media is just a small part of how we protect their autonomy – physically & emotionally.

Respect your children, their feelings, and their boundaries so they will know how wrong it is when someone else doesn’t.  We have done this to the best of our ability since they were born.  In ways that seem to be “no big deal” like choosing their own clothes, a favorite toy, and what activities they want to participate in.  As well as backing their right to refuse affection and declining to stay with someone or somewhere they aren’t comfortable with.  This may seem inconvenient at times but pays off in both the solid parent/child connection as well has how your children treats and expects to be treated by others.

Meet Rachel & our other contributors here. 

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Everyday Conversations: Rice At Weddings

One of the biggest lessons for me, as an Unschooling parent, is learning to say “my understanding is…” You’ll see our family with our phones out A LOT. Because with almost every discussion comes the desire to look things up for clarification or more information.

This weekend, some friends of ours got married. Our daughter is an artist and often creates cards as part of our gifts to family and friends on special occasions. I asked her if she’d like to make a wedding card.

14yo: I don’t even know what would go on a wedding card.
Me: I’ve seen a lot of bows and birds.
14yo: Birds?
Me: I think they’re a sign of fertility.
14yo: Fertility?
Me: Short definition? Ability to get pregnant and have children. For some religions/societies/people marriage & children go hand in hand. Some people see it as a positive thing to have lots of babies & quickly. So I think the birds thing is like a “blessing” or “support” of that. Like throwing rice. Or maybe the rice is fertility and the birds are something else. I can’t remember as it’s been 20 years since Daddy & I were married. All I remember was not throwing rice because it would make the bird’s stomachs explode.
<<14yo is horrified>>
Me: That may not even be true anymore, let’s look it up.

Spoiler alert: Birds are generally happiness & love (different birds can specify different things). Rice is fertility. Birds like rice and it doesn’t hurt them.

https://curiosity.com/topics/the-origin-of-throwing-rice-at-weddings/

The 14yo opted not to make a card and we just ordered off the Amazon wishlist. She would also like people to throw candy at all future nuptials.

(This convo was originally posted to our Facebook page.)

-Rachel

Meet Rachel & our other contributors here. 

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Everyday Conversations: The Dentist & War

Our son (16yo) and I were waiting at the dentist’s office and he says, “Hey, I know you love reading military stuff and I thought you’d like this new game I’m playing.”

(full disclosure: I read a LOT of military *romance* 😂 but I do read military non-fiction too)

Anyway… he begins telling me about his game. Set in WWII. About troop movements. Boundary disputes. Political implications. We bust out our cell phones and start comparing maps and he shows me which countries didn’t even exist in the war. He’s using his finger to redraw lines and pointing out how countries are born and how others die. Telling me the differences between what he can do in his game and what actually happened. Why some countries can only be invaded by sea because other countries have to be circumvented. We talk about Communism, Socialism, and Fascism.

And then the hygienist calls us back.

It’s OK that it was “only” 15 minutes. It was awesome on so many levels. A chance to connect over shared interests. A chance to see what he’s learning. Because I know he’s learning. Because he knows I love hearing about his gaming. More importantly, I know it will happen again. 💗

UPDATE: So many people have asked… the game was Hearts of Iron IV on Steam by Paradox Interactive
https://store.steampowered.com/app/394360/Hearts_of_Iron_IV/

Image Credit: By Gdr at the English language Wikipedia, CC BY-SA 3.0 

-Rachel
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MY Link Gives All Texas Residents a Library Card

Did you know that any adult who is a resident of Texas can get a My Link card through the Houston Public Library?

This card gives you access to more than six million books, e-books, DVDs, magazines and research materials that make up the HPL collection. It also provides access to more than 130 electronic resources which include streaming music, videos, images, audiobooks, and countless other subject-based websites and databases.


You can use your card to borrow via OverDrive for LibrariesHoopla Digital, RB Digital, Comics Plus, and more.

Even if your local library supports access to these digit lending programs the titles available through Houston Public Library may be different.  Harris County Public Library has a pretty extensive collection and after a few minutes I found several things through MY Link/HPL that HCPL doesn’t have.

The Overdrive app lets you load more than one library in. So you can switch between cards.

You do not have to physically visit the library to get your card. I wanted to be sure how it worked. So I tried two methods: I reactivated an old HPL card I had from when we lived within Houston city limits and I signed my husband up for a brand new card. I did it all online with our Driver’s License numbers as proof of residency. (note: The new card was available for immediate use. Reactivating my old card required a response from the library. They responded the next day.)

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The Angry Child – How Listening Can Deflate Big Emotions

angry_child

I want to tell a story. It’s one that was very pivotal in changing my parenting paradigm and one that has brought me closer to my kids and to myself– closer and more connected than I ever thought possible.

It used to be that when my kids had any kind of negative emotion, I felt as though I had to fix it. As fast as possible! That’s what good mom’s do, right? I might attempt to:

Change his feelings of anger into feelings of friendliness.

 Change his sad feelings to feelings of happiness.

 Change his feelings of frustration into feelings of success.

In any case, the focus was on changing and fixing. Just like putting a band-aid on a cut, I wanted a band-aid for scary emotions. It was entrenched in the fear that if my child is unhappy, I’m doing it all wrong. I was trying to handle the negativity in my child from an equally negative emotion: fear.

When my two boys were younger, the oldest acted out of anger towards his little brother a lot. He would even hit him, call him names and generally belittle him at every turn. I was so alarmed by this. I mean, I wanted a connected family – one in which we all loved each other and enjoyed spending time together. How was it possible that my older son had so much anger towards his own flesh and blood? What was I doing wrong?

At first, I dealt with this by just trying to make it stop! “Don’t hit your brother!” I might yell. “Go to your room if you choose to act like that!” was another. “He’s younger than you! Have a little patience.” I tried taking his beloved items away, putting him in time outs, talking to him about “good” behavior. Nothing seemed to help. The more I tried to make it stop, the angrier he seemed to become.

At this time in our lives I was deeply immersed in self-examination. I was learning about my own trigger points and what outer circumstances seemed to activate my own feelings of anger and other negative emotions. Observing the ways in which I dealt with anger within myself was key to learning how to help my child move through his own.

I began observing how triggered I became when my oldest son was “acting out” with his little brother. His behavior was triggering the anger that lived within me and I was then acting from my own anger by reacting to my older son. I examined this further and realized that sending him to his room and taking his stuff away was just a reaction from my own fear ~ the fear of anger.

Why was I afraid of anger? Anger was just an emotion, not a real thing you could touch or hold. I examined times from when I was a child and remembered incidents where I was the recipient of someone else’s anger. I saw how scary that was and why I had become so afraid of it. It dawned on me that it wasn’t anger I was afraid of but the REACTIONS triggered from anger that scared me to death.

If I was reacting from my own angry feelings by punishing and yelling, then my son must be reacting to his anger by hitting and terrorizing his little brother.

I got to thinking. What if we weren’t afraid of anger? Would we even need to react to it if we weren’t afraid of it? What if the feeling of anger was a message, from our inner self, trying to tell us something about our world or something about our needs? Would anger be scary then? What if we could make friends with our anger? How in the world could we do that?

And this is where my pivotal story begins… I started taking my older son out on “special days.” On these days I turned off my phone and took him any place he wanted to go (within reason of course). The goal was for us to just have fun together. I vowed to be fully present. No distractions from little brother or email or phone calls. I turned off my phone and put my focus on my son.

Many times we went bowling, putt-putt golfing or for a picnic in a park. It was a time for me to BE with him. It was also a time for me to observe myself; my thoughts, feelings and triggers.

On these special days, my son would sometimes start talking negatively about his little brother. At first, I noticed myself trying to change his mind. “But look at the good things about him.” I would say. “He’s not so bad. Remember when he helped you clean up that mess?” I watched as my older son withered when I said these things and it wouldn’t be long before he was ready to go home. He would shut down again. I felt at a loss.

Since one my goals on these outings was to observe myself and my own inner workings, I realized that by countering his negative feelings towards his younger brother with good thoughts, I was trying to change his mind again. I wasn’t doing it by punishing but I WAS doing it by not LISTENING.

I heard what he was saying with my ears but not with my heart. My listening was not validating how he felt. My responses were undermining his feelings. I realized it didn’t matter whether my son’s statements about his little brother were true or not, he just needed me to acknowledge how he FELT.

I asked myself, How would you feel if you were angry about something and were telling a friend about it and she was defending the other side? Would you want to continue telling her things?

Sometimes it feels good to verbalize our feelings. It helps us get to the other side of things; To hash out. To release. To move towards love, understanding and compassion.

So my son wasn’t asking for solutions. He needed someone to witness these strong emotions, in particular his anger that was triggering destructive responses. He needed a safe environment, where he could express how he was feeling.

When we went out again I was set. And my son complained about his younger brother again. I won’t go into the ins and outs of our conversation, however my responses were much different than before. They went something like this:

Yes, little brothers can be such a pain, can’t they?

 I get it! It’s hard to be the older brother.

 I understand why you would feel like hurting your brother when that happened.

 My gosh! I’m sure that is so annoying to deal with!

 As my son talked, I kept reminding myself:

Don’t fix, just observe.
Don’t change, just love.
The anger is not bad; it’s just an emotion.

His frustration came flooding out. He was angry with me too. For “never” listening to him. For “never ever” paying attention to what he needed. He cried and cried. I kept listening and validating. It was a scary moment and one that I was afraid was a never-ending supply of negativity. It was great practice for witnessing an emotion and staying with it without judging it.

I apologized. I kept loving eye contact. I didn’t defend his little brother and I didn’t defend myself. I sat openly with this child who was in so much pain and felt so unheard. I had compassion and empathy. I’d felt all of these things before too. I shared some of those times with him. To witness the emotion in him without judging it or being triggered myself was magical.

Eventually, what I thought would be a never-ending flow of complaints gave rise to a smile. My son was calm. Spent. He told me he loved me so much. And then, something I never expected happened.

He shared some good things about his brother. He talked about some of their good times together. As we continued to talk he said, “I’m a quiet kid, Mom. And my brother is loud and outgoing.” He looked me in the eye and continued, “We’re just so different and sometimes I just need time away from him.”

The light came on for me. He was sharing his NEEDS. The two boys shared a room and my oldest needed a place to be alone.

So we talked about how we could make that happen. Together, we made a plan. We worked out a way for the boys to have their own rooms. We agreed that their rooms were their private spaces and that they could go there any time they felt they needed time to themselves. We agreed to honor each other’s privacy. My oldest son agreed to go there when the angry feelings came, and to talk to me whenever he needed help navigating those emotions.

When we went home, he was excited to see his brother. He was happy again. They played Lego and the oldest helped the younger boy. He was compassionate and understanding, even when his little brother broke his Lego masterpiece on accident!

From that day on, my son felt like he could talk to me. He felt that his feelings were safe with me – good or bad. We were partners and I was no longer afraid of his anger. He didn’t need to REACT to anger anymore because he was learning to witness the anger and with my help figure out what need was not being met. Then he could willingly release the strong emotion.

It’s so easy to allow the emotions of others (including our kids) to trigger something in us that makes us want it to STOP. We want a quick fix. Our society tends to think that consequences are in order when a child is acting out. But does that work? Or does it make an already angry child angrier? If we punish or shut the anger down in some way, does it make the anger go away? Or does in burrow inside of the child (or inside of us) to fester and grow?

Perhaps our emotions, including the negative emotions, are a gift. Maybe they arise in an effort to help us become clearer about our preferences and needs. It could be that when we witness our emotions, without judging them, we come to clarity. Possibly it is better to witness these emotions with love rather than shut them down. It could be the key to more peace in our own lives and in the world.

All negative emotions come from a place of fear. Upon close examination, it’s always a fear of our needs not being met in some way or another. Meandering our way down to the core of the issue gives us choices and power.

When a child is angry, he or she needs love. The child needs someone who is not triggered by his outburst. It’s hard for an adult to do this if they are triggered themselves. If we are afraid of anger or if we want the anger (or sadness or any other challenging emotion) to stop immediately, we forego the gift that the emotion is offering.

As we look at the emotion objectively, as an observer, we open up a world of true possibility, not only for our children, but for ourselves as well. Our needs can then be met from a neutral place and anger is not a necessary vehicle through which we express our needs.

Here are 7 tips that I follow when faced with big emotions in my kids. Perhaps they will work for you too.

  1. Bite my tongue and don’t react. – I try to remember that the anger (or sadness or other negative emotion) is NOT my child. Notice the anger (or worry or fear) that comes up in ME when my child is angry and acting out. I pay attention to that and investigate my own emotions but don’t react to my child’s emotion. (of course if my child is acting out by hitting or destructive behavior, I deal with that in the moment, but don’t shame or punish the emotion).
  2. Look at my child with compassion.  This take practice but looking my child in the eyes with love – seeing the hurt he is feeling underneath the angry emotions – connects me to who my child really is. I become less reactive and it allows me to sink into the next steps.
  3. LISTEN. – When the time is right, I LISTEN but don’t try to change the emotion. I try to listen like my best friend would listen to me when I need support.
  4. VALIDATE – For example, “Yes, I can see why that would make you mad.”, “Wow, I can see what that would make you want to hit your brother.” No words are off limits. This allows the emotion to come out in constructive ways. There is relief when we can vent. Let the tears come and don’t try to make the anger/sadness go away. I try to let if flow out of them. I get to be the witness. I get to be the non-reactor.
  5. LOVE – I love them right where they are. They are NOT this strong emotion. They are beautiful beings have a very human experience. Zero in on the beauty of that child – beneath all of that big emotion.
  6. TRUST – I trust (and by this time know) that the emotion will pass. I give this lots of time. It may take a few times of being with my child before all of the anger has dispersed. When it does pass, I don’t immediately offer solutions. Instead, I ask questions. “How can we make this better for you?” “What steps can we take to meet those needs?” This helps get to the core of the issue.
  7. Take  steps to meet the need. If my child needs alone time, I make that happen. If they need a space to go to when they are feeling overwhelmed, I help them with that. I try to get creative and PARTNER with my child to create an environment in which he can thrive. This builds trust in our relationship and helps my child know how to handle BIG emotions constructively.
  8. REPEAT. This one is tough. It requires us to be willing to BE with those same emotions over and over again. But repeating these steps helps our children to trust that we will walk with them through strong emotions without fear or reactivity on our part. It not only helps them to feel safe but also eventually helps them to recognize strong emotions as they come up and they learn to handle them more effectively, even when we’re not there to help.

Meet Michelle & our other contributors here. 

Michelle Conaway

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